


what you feel is what you are (what you are is beautiful)

by zanykingmentality



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Pining Peter, from peter's pov, i tried and now i must sleep, i tried to rewrite the hot tub scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 16:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15822468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanykingmentality/pseuds/zanykingmentality
Summary: Peter's no good at math, but at least he adds two and two better than Lara Jean does.





	what you feel is what you are (what you are is beautiful)

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i love these two so much. i had to write a lot for them. i have not stopped thinking about this movie for like, three days. 
> 
> unbetaed but spellchecked. please enjoy~

Why Peter doesn’t immediately push her away, he doesn’t know.

 

All he knows is that he’s lying here, back against the scratchy synthetic track surfacing, and Lara Jean’s inexperienced lips are on his. Part of him doesn’t want to let go. Part of him, the bigger part, actually, wants to grab her by the arms and not let go, because what if Genevieve’s watching, waiting, planning? He wouldn’t put it past her, and this is the _perfect_ way to make her jealous. Although, Lara Jean needs to work on her kissing a bit. Peter stays motionless, but it’s a struggle not to at least _try_ to move his lips against hers.

 

When Lara Jean finally pulls away, all Peter can stammer is, “Wha ― What? Why did you do that?” And Lara Jean runs away.

 

It’s not the first time he sees her, but it’s the first time he really _notices_ her.

 

* * *

 

Fake dating is not supposed to entail real feelings.

 

Sure, Peter’s seen rom-coms. Hell, he’s even read some of the sappy romance shit that those forty year old ladies like, the kind where a dashing duke sweeps some girl off her feet, and they spend some nights full of passion ― uh, anyway. He reads them when he’s bored because his mom leaves them lying around, and sometimes all the entertainment that a mobile device can offer just isn’t enough.

 

Either way, in all the stories, the two fake dating almost _always_ end up falling in love with each other. Which should make him feel pretty good about his chances, but right now all he feels is dread crawling up his throat, grappling with his skin, _the more people you let in the more people leave ―_

 

And Lara Jean doesn’t really _want_ much to do with him either, does she? All she wants is for people _not_ to find out that she kissed him on the track one day to keep some _other_ guy who got a love letter from her from thinking that she still liked him, for _some_ reason or other. Any feelings she had for Peter are ancient history, lost in the depths of seventh grade in all its shitty, soul-wrecking glory. He missed whatever shot in the dark he had by three or four years, and now that he was just realizing Lara Jean was a better fit for him than Gen in the _first_ place, that maybe Lara Jean could’ve helped him through everything back and he could’ve helped her, they could’ve done this a lot _sooner_ ―

 

Ah, but Peter’s heart can’t entertain notions like that right now, because what’s done is done and maybe he wouldn’t change a thing. The verdict will come back soon.

 

It might have started the night of the party. There was no alcohol in him, and the way Gen toyed with him didn’t turn him on as much as it might’ve before. It was kind of shitty, all in all, but he’d gone to the diner with Lara Jean afterwards, just to look her in the eyes and think _oh no, she’s pretty._ Hair down, eyelashes curled, lips pink and perfect.

 

(“I can do fantasies,” she’d said. “But when it’s real I just ― I get scared.”

 

“You’re not scared with me,” Peter observed.

 

Lara Jean looked him in the eyes, like she was steeling her resolve. “Because it’s just pretend,” she’d said.)

 

Back then, it was like a knife twisting in Peter’s stomach.

 

Now it’s different. Now when he sees her he feels _soft._ Like a six-foot teddy bear, arms open, waiting for her to take the first step toward him. Lara Jean is too good for him; he can’t do anything drastic, because if he loses her for good he’ll go back to being _just some lacrosse jock,_ just some guy who bounces around with girls but always goes back to Gen, in the end, because he _knows_ Gen and that’s how she keeps him wrapped around her little finger. Peter’s tired of all that. He’s tired of Gen and tired of the way she treats people she doesn’t like. He’s ready to grow up.

 

He’s ready to notice Lara Jean again.

 

* * *

 

When he sees her, his heart splits in two.

 

When she smiles, she sews it back together again.

 

* * *

 

It’s not right of him to drag on the fake dating longer than he needs to, but he has everything planned. He’s ready to wow her, to see her smile at the yogurt in his bag, to fall asleep on his shoulder, to ―

 

Oh. She’s sitting with Chris.

 

Why did he think he could get close to her again?

 

(But they’d been making so much _progress_ ―)

 

Gen’s sitting next to him suddenly and her hand comes to his knee. Peter jerks; swipes her hand away like her touch _burns_ and she gives him a coy smile. _I know how I make you feel,_ she seems to say, but she doesn’t, really, because Gen doesn’t know that Peter’s only down _now_ because Lara Jean walked right by him and left him to sit with his ex.

 

It’s awkward, to say the least. Peter pointedly ignores Gen while she spends the whole trip sidling up to him. The fake dating scheme really _worked_ on her, didn’t it? For some reason, the only person it didn’t work on is Peter.

 

( _Maybe it did,_ his mind whispers. _Maybe this is what you wanted when you asked for this._ )

 

She avoids him at the lodge, too. Peter can ski well enough to kill a man ― figuratively speaking, of course ― but he stays at the lodge and waits for her to come down from her room with Lucas and Chris to say hello, apologize, maybe kiss him and remind him everything is okay, now. That maybe she likes him too. That’s just wishful thinking, though, and he knows it.

 

He skis until his muscles are sore and it’s getting dark, and then he heads back inside to soak in the hot tub. Maybe she’ll show up. He keeps waiting, keeps hoping. Show up, Lara Jean. The air is cold and the hot tub is starting to make him itchy. Everyone’s probably already retired to their rooms to sleep or, more likely, bang out their pent-up sexual desires because _no adult supervision!_ Peter gets the appeal, but that doesn’t mean he succumbs to that. He doesn’t really want that, anymore.

 

Funny how being with Lara Jean made him realize things about himself he hadn’t known before. Like how much he buys into clichés, and how far he’ll go just to be with her. But even Peter can’t wait forever.

 

_Please find me, Lara Jean. I need you._

 

Footsteps behind him. A red coat. And Lara Jean is standing in front of him, apologetic. Open. Willing. God, Peter might love her more than he originally thought. And suddenly he’s angry, because he _wants_ to love her, for real this time, and she keeps shying away.

 

“All by yourself out here?” Peter wants to respond, _aches_ to make up with her, but she’s been ignoring him, so he doesn’t say anything. “So what, now you’re ignoring me?”

 

“Oh, I’m the one ignoring _you_? That’s funny,” Peter snaps. He can’t help it. Lara Jean, come closer. He just wants things to be okay.

 

She shifts awkwardly on her feet, stepping a bit closer. “Sorry I’m not a good skier. You didn’t offer to teach me.”

 

“I’m supposed to be sweet to you after you don’t sit with me on the bus?”

 

“Shouldn’t you be thanking me?” Lara Jean’s getting emotional now, but Peter’s too hurt, too _angry_ , to try and dab away any tears like he normally wants to. “That you got to sit next to who you actually wanted?”

 

“You know, for someone with such good grades, you can be so _dense_ sometimes.”

 

“What?” She’s perched at the edge of the hot tub. If she wanted to run away, it’d take her too long. Peter wouldn’t stop her either way.

 

“Yeah. I wanted to sit next to _you,_ Lara Jean.” She blinks at him, confused, and Peter can not _believe_ this is the girl he’s fallen for, that can’t even tell when someone else is interested because she spends so much time up in her head, so much time thinking that no one could ever like her like that. “I brought all the snacks. I even asked Kitty where to find those yogurt drinks you like so much.”

 

“The Korean store is all the way across town!”

 

“I know.” Peter feels like he’s spelling something out to a baby. “So if I went all the way across town to get something you like, that means…” Please finish the sentence, Lara Jean. Please understand.

 

She looks at him, and there’s pain in the back of her eyes. “You must… really like yogurt?”

 

“You’re impossible.” Peter breathes out, leaning back further in the hot tub. In the silence, he listens to the water. 

 

“Sorry I didn’t sit next to you.” Lara Jean’s eyes are on his, on his _face ―_

 

“It’s alright.” He swallows around the lump in his throat. He can’t stay mad at her. He doesn’t want to. But if he’s going to get his heart broken, he’d like it if she knew how he felt before shooting him down, at least. He’s not watching her until the coat is off and she’s in her nightgown. “You’re ― coming in, in your nightgown.”

 

“I didn’t bring a bathing suit.” She stops in front of him. “Hi.”

 

“There’s no one like you, Covey,” Peter says, shaking his head. Then he pulls her into his lap, and her lips are on his, and it’s _warmer_ than the hot tub, warmer than anything he’s ever felt, because this is Lara Jean Song-Covey, the girl he’s been pining after for _months_ now, the girl he’s been fake-dating for almost as long, and this is their first kiss where he knows they _both_ feel _something_ from it, something wonderful and beautiful and amazing. He feels light, like he could hold his breath and taste her lips all night.

 

She pulls back for a second. “What?” Peter asks, softly. A breath of a whisper.

 

“Nothing,” she whispers back, and moves back toward him, mouth fitting against his, so different from the first time they kissed. And why should he compare this to seventh grade, when all he had on his mind was someone that doesn’t even _matter_ right now?

 

Please don’t make Peter let go. Please don’t walk out of his heart, Lara Jean. All his emotions are on the tip of his tongue, and he hopes she can taste them when he swipes it across her lips. No words in the world could describe how weightless, how breathless, how intensely _euphoric_ it is to feel her. To know that, after everything, maybe she likes ― _loves_ ― him too.

**Author's Note:**

> hi i'm king and i'm a professional at crying about my favorite characters


End file.
